The Thoughts Didn’t Stop: A Therapist’s Experience with Postpartum OCD

They started about a week after I brought my baby boy home.

At first it was, I’m so clumsy, I’m going to drop him.
Then it became, Why do I keep thinking about dropping him? Am I manifesting this?
And eventually, If I keep thinking about dropping him… does that mean I want to?

The thoughts grew like weeds. Fast, invasive, multiplying overnight.

I really thought being a therapist would protect me. I had insight. I knew about intrusive thoughts. I even knew there was a chance I’d have harm thoughts postpartum, which, during pregnancy, already felt like the worst possible theme.

Back then, my OCD showed up more as contamination and accidental harm. What if I breathed something in? What if I ate the wrong thing?
And of course, the classic feedback: “Just don’t think about it. You worry too much.”
(If only it worked like that, we’d all be out of a job.)

Looking back, the signs were there. Harm thoughts about family. Rituals that had to feel “just right.” Praying in a specific order. My water cup placed exactly where it needed to be. Falling asleep to the same radio station every night like it was part of a sacred contract.

But I told myself mine was “mild.” Manageable. Not that kind of OCD.

Because in my mind, “real” harm OCD meant being dangerous. Someone who actually wanted to hurt others.

So when the thoughts about harming my baby didn’t go away… I was consumed.

It became constant.

Maybe I don’t love him.
I haven’t checked on him enough… is that neglect?
Would I even care if something happened to him?
What if I lose control? What if I become psychotic and hurt him?

My hormones were all over the place, and my brain said, perfect, let’s make this worse.

I stopped wanting to be alone with him because I didn’t trust myself.
I became hyper-aware of everything I saw and heard, questioning my reality.
I moved knives and anything remotely sharp far away from me.

And then there was the research.

Oh, the research.

How do I know if it’s harm OCD or real homicidal intent?
Reading story after story, comparing mine.
Is this me? Is this worse? Is this different?

And of course, the deep dives into postpartum psychosis articles that sent me into full spirals.

Then there was reassurance. My main compulsion.

I got it from everyone. My family, daily. Support groups. Therapists.
And honestly, that last one probably did the most damage, because I trusted it the most.

They helped me examine the evidence. Explore my past. Remind me I was a good person.

And it worked… for maybe two hours, if I was lucky.

Then the doubt came back louder.

I therapist-hopped. I analyzed everything they said. I was desperate for certainty. I probably was the most exhausting client.

I couldn’t make decisions. I diagnosed myself with half the DSM.

And all of it robbed me of what should have been a beautiful time.

The newborn phase I had imagined? Gone.

The stroller walks, the bonding, the quiet moments… all overshadowed by a mind that would not shut off.

And the hardest part?

This is incredibly common.

It’s just not talked about. Not understood. Especially in postpartum women.

It took me over a year to start feeling like myself again.

And I still think about it sometimes… what if I had worked with someone truly trained in ERP from the beginning?

How different would that have been?

That question is a big part of why I created this course.

Because here’s the reality: OCD is one of the most misunderstood disorders in clinical practice. And when it’s misunderstood, treatment can unintentionally make it worse.

Reassurance. Over-analysis. Digging for meaning.
All of it feeds the cycle.

In this training, I teach clinicians how to actually recognize OCD beyond the stereotypes, especially themes like harm, postpartum OCD, and the ones clients are often too afraid to say out loud.

We cover what ERP really looks like in session. Not just “face your fears,” but how to do it in a way that is ethical, effective, and actually doable.

We talk about the subtle ways therapists accidentally reinforce compulsions. And how to assess suicide risk in OCD without escalating fear or missing what’s actually going on.

It’s practical. It’s real. And it’s the training I wish someone had when I was sitting there Googling at 2 AM, convinced I was dangerous.

If you’re a clinician, this will change how you see OCD.

And more importantly, it will change how your clients experience treatment.

Because they don’t need more reassurance.

They need someone who understands what’s actually happening in their brain… and knows how to help them get out of it.

This is the training I wish my therapists had.

Learn more or enroll here: https://riseandthrivewellbeing.com/training#enrollment